Friday, April 24, 2015

All about Zeus!

Meghan Trainor said it best...

And Zeus agreed.

It really is all about that bass... no matter the age of the woman, her lineage, body size, or even if she was a woman. All Zeus is focused on is that sexy place between a woman or man's legs. He is one horny king of gods. This Friday we are going to take a look at some of the most disturbing and WTF moments of Zeus's affairs with his many lovers.


She was a titan, a woman of great wisdom, and seduced by Zeus. They married and she became pregnant with Athena. Now, having overthrown his own father and seized power AND having heard the horrible prophecies regarding Metis’ second child (a potential overthrow of his father), Zeus got understandable worried. So, he ate Metis. Before this, Zeus didn’t have a lot of common sense. However, after ingesting her, he gained her wisdom making him a little better in the future.

But what about Athena? Well, she gestated inside her mother now inside Zeus. And, when full grown, began shoving and pushing at Zeus’ skull, from the inside, giving him one hell of a headache. It isn’t until Hephaestus offers to help Zeus with an axe strike to the head, that she is born. No word on how long it took her to forgive him for eating her mother…

Another titan, this time of justice and order. She, through Zeus, bore the Fates and the Seasons. We have no idea how or why. You would think she would have been a little leery of marrying Zeus after what happened to her sister.

Yet another titan. I’m beginning to believe Metis was the only one with intelligence in this family. She was the titan of memory. And, believe it or not, she gave birth not to one child or even a few, but to all nine of the Muses with Zeus. She did, however, leave him after all those births so perhaps it just took a while before she realized who and what he really was.

His own sister. The protector of marriage and married women and obviously very dangerous to those women who help men cheat on their wives (ahm… Zeus!). Her marriage to her brother began in strife and continued on in strife.

When he first approached her, she said no, thank you, and he went on his merry way. Sort of. Not thrilled with the reception he was receiving (Hera was smarter than the titans), he turned himself into a cuckoo. Hera, feeling bad for the poor bird, cuddled it against her chest. Zeus resumed his normal self and taking advantage of the situation and surprise factor, he raped her. Hera only married him to hide the shame she felt for the betrayal. Considering how Demeter denied him… it may have been her only recourse.

Proposed, She Said No

Before courting Hera, Zeus attempted to seduce Demeter, his other sister. She denied him and he forced himself upon her. However, unlike Hera, she blamed him and chose to leave the council of the Gods on Olympus. She got pregnant and bore her daughter, Persephone. Later, as Persephone’s father, Zeus gave Hades the go-ahead on snatching his daughter and marrying her. That did not end well, for Persephone, Hades, Demeter, Zeus, or the world at wide.

Gave in to Zeus’ seduction techniques—one can only imagine he got better with the practice and experience—and got pregnant for her effort. However, Hera, who was quickly his next target, after falling for his trick, took revenge on Leto. She denied, as goddess of childbirth (as well as marriage), Leto to bear her growing twins on any place under the sun. Poseidon took pity on Leto and eventually—way after her due date—covered an island (who also happened to be her long lost sister—long story…) with a huge tsunami wave. Thus, the sun didn’t shine.

Leto gave birth first to Artemis. Artemis then helped her mother give birth to Apollo. Both were full grown deities. That was one heck of a gestation period. Poor girl. She should have tried to keep Zeus around for at least the 9 months… then, let him go to marry Hera. Would have ended far sooner.

Oh, and props to Poseidon for helping out…

Other Lovers

Zeus fell in love with and seduced the young priestess of Hera. Because he was already married to Hera at this point, he covered the Earth with clouds. But this sudden fog only made Hera more suspicious, so she arrived on Earth in search of her wayward husband. She followed her gut to her own temple. As she stood on the steps, she heard noises of lovemaking inside. She rushed inside to find… Zeus talking with a beautiful white cow! She wasn’t stupid. Hera knew there was something funny going on so she asked Zeus for the cow as a present. He knew better than to turn her “simple” request down.

She added the cow to her herd of cattle, guarded by the hundred-eyes of Argus. Desperate to save Io, Zeus sent Hermes to retrieve the cow. Faced with the dilemma of Argus, Hermes resorted to playing music and telling stories in order to lull every last one of Argus’ eyes asleep. Then Hermes killed Argus. (Hera honors Argus by taking his eyes and putting them on her bird – the peacock.)

Even though Io was now technically free, Hera wasn’t done punishing her. She sent an immortal gad-fly to torture the poor cow. The cow wandered so far trying to escape the fly that she even met Prometheus, chained to a rock. He told her not to give up. She would eventually be turned back into a human and bear a child. And that, one day, a descendent of her would return to save him, too.

Upon reaching the Nile, at last, Zeus turned her back into a human. She gave birth to a son and many generations later, Hercules was born. One of his final adventures was rescuing Prometheus. Oh, and Io also became an Egyptian goddess… not too bad considering none of this was her fault.

Semele was proof of the saying, “Be careful what you wish for.” She was the only mortal parent of a god and a Theban princess. She was seduced by Zeus, in disguise, got pregnant, and then got tricked by Hera (through Semele’s sisters) into begging Zeus to reveal his true form. When he did, she was so awed by his presence that she caught fire and burned to ash. The immortal part of her son, however, survived.

Zeus, himself, sewed the fetus inside his own thigh and gestated the fetus to term. Thus, Dionysus was born. A full-blood god from a mortal mother and a literal baby-father.